Status Update

So last time, I felt like making myself a schedule would help me feel better.  Guess what?  It has!  Two things have come of it.  First, realizing that I really do A LOT already, and second, making my time count.  Last week I think I overscheduled myself because I felt like I had no "me" time.  This week I put in the basics, added the workouts then put a few activities with my kids in.  I am still freakin' busy, but I feel better with a plan in mind.  The other benefit is that I figured out how to sync my outlook calendar with my iPhone.  Now when I get asked when am I available, I can honestly answer! 
Health food -wise I feel like things are going good.  I feel better with the supplements I'm taking.  I started Turmeric and Bromelein and after 2 weeks I feel it is slowly helping.  I like that I have cut out almost all of the snack foods in the house.  This is good for me but also good for my kids.  Now they are really hungry for mealtime.  They are having a hard time getting used to the newer choices but its a work in progress.  I feel like I still need to improve on my food choices.  I have healthy options but I still revert back to the easiest thing to eat, i.e.: whole wheat flour tortillas, string cheese and almond butter and sugar-free jelly sandwiches.  I think I do great with breakfast.  Nice and healthy.  Long lasting fulfillment.  Lunch is blah and dinner is iffy.  I still have my mountain of library books that are due this friday.  I'm not ready to give them up but I'm not really reading them either.  Maybe I'll keep my receipt for these books and return most of them.  Then I can go through one or two slowly and not be so overwhelmed by "the mountain". 
I am enjoying Deceptively Delicious, but I don't like being confined to her receipes.  I'm trying to understand her choices in adding in the pureed veggies so that I can take whatever receipe I want and add the veggies.  This way I don't have to pick from just what is in her book.  I can make WHATEVER I WANT! 
Pretty soon I am scheduled to train at the co-op for volunteer work.  My mother in law doesn't want me working there because of the weird people there.  I say whatever!  I'm not doing an opening or closing shift and people are people.  Besides, this is a huge step in character building for me.  I NEVER volunteer for ANYTHING.  I just don't want to give and help.  I never have.  I realize its a character flaw but atleast I'm aware of my short comings.  However, this is something I want to do.  Its organized, its work without pay.  Its a great step towards the concept of volunteering.  I have been so hurt by "people" my whole life that I absolutely don't want to give back.  Now I don't know quite what has changed but I feel like this is gonna be a great opportunity for me.
I have been sleepy in the daytime lately and taking naps.  This is good, but then my husband doesn't get his rest.  Since he works during the night, I would say his rest is more important than mine.  Here is the problem.  He won't sleep during the day.  He will usually pass out around 4pm.  Then he wants me to wake him for dinner, then wake him after the kids go to bed so we can hang out.  Crazy, right?  I've been to work with him, I want to pass out as soon as I get home!  I don't get him at all.  So he is asleep right now.  I came home from Zumba to the kids running wild.  At 7:50, they should be in bed chilling out, reading.  So, I rounded them up and got them to bed.  My man is still asleep!  He briefly woke up to apologize, then went back out.  I definitely do not plan to wake him.  Atleast now I get some "me" time.  But my dogs are running circles around my feet making me crazy!! 
The only other thing on my mind is my estranged friend.  Are we still friends?  I don't know.  She unfriended me on FB and hasn't texted me in a week and a half.  I couldn't make her class last friday due to another urgent situation I had to take care of.  I do miss my friend.  I want to know if she is mad at me, doesn't like me anymore, what?  I don't know that I will make it to her class on friday.  I'm considering texting her tomorrow.  I guess I just need closure. 
Despite this, I do feel better and more positive and happier even.  I have to go to see my shrink next week.  Maybe I can start to back off of my meds.  I still need my sleep meds, but not my happy meds so much.  I haven't seen him in 6 months so it should be interesting to see what changes he notices.
For now I will say goodnight.  Until I need you again...

Its past midnight and I'm still awake!

Today was such a weird day.  I felt so awkward, insecure and out of place.  It started with not being able to sleep in.  I don't have to get children up for school so why did I have to be woken up so early?  I never get to sleep in, nor do I seem to get to go to sleep at night.  And I used to do this and work???
So I took a little nap, woke up late, rushed to get ready and got to zumba just on time.  The person I came to see did not respond to me as I had hoped.  In fact I felt a bit ignored.  Class was awkward...  I was glad when it was over and spent most of the time wondering why I was there and if I wanted to come back again.  Then later said person texts me.  So apparently we have a text-friendship?  She hasn't talked to me much in person and has no time to meet up.  However, she has loads of time to spend on facebook.  I guess I just don't understand. 
Then back at home, the kids are running amok and husband has fallen asleep.  So I was in a bad mood and really was not interested in dealing with children.  I find lately that I do my best cleaning when I am not in a good mood.  Not working has certainly been an adjustment.  I am super busy, yet lonely, yet content and bored all at the same time.  Plus now I have all this time on my hands to face things I haven't faced in awhile.  Some good things like actually cooking again.  Except now I feel like all my time is spent feeding someone or cleaning up after.  I might actually get around to organizing more things.  I still have no interest in my previous hobby of beaded jewelry. 
Some bad things I'm facing are the loneliness and lack of friendships.  I never have been good at those, but I want it real bad.  I get so insecure and envious when I watch other people with their friends.  Thank God I have my husband.  Atleast he gets me.  I've seen a lot of my mother-in-law these last few weeks and not much of my own mom.  I will get to see her tomorrow, that will be really great!
I really think I need some type of basic routine to my days.  I might feel better if I have a focus each day.  That will be my new challenge and the next time I am able to "secretly" blog, I can check in with the status of that.
I still don't think I can sleep.  Maybe I'll take a handful of melatonin and go lie down again...

Need to bitch and whine.

What the hell? Why is friendship so hard for me? Why do I keep connecting with military wives? I currently have three in my life that I consider friends, two near and one far. I think I probably chat with the one far away more than the two here!! I do get it. Military life is hard. I'm sure there is lots more that I have no clue about. I understand, when the husband is home, all time goes to him. I agree, that's how it should be. I also understand that when he is away there is more responsibility on the wife. Having said all that, the two here don't have kid responsibilities in the same way. One friend has 3 dogs. The other has one teenage daughter. Me? I'm basically free all the time. Wouldn't I be the great kind of friend to have? Especially considering I'm not interested in taking a lot of time to chat or get together. I have my own busy family to take care of. And yet, as hard as I try, I am still lonely. Not to mention when my husband is gone at work, I never know when he will be home. Once he is home, he is passed out exhausted. I think the thing that really gets me is that I used to be a loner. Sure it was lonely at times, but I didn't have any expectations about friends because there were none. I was okay with that. Atleast I knew what to expect. Now that I am trying to be less of a loner, I feel even more alone and kind if hurt and rejected. Stupid me I guess.

Then there is my husband. I love him dearly and desperately miss him when he is away. Here are my complaints. When I have mornings to sleep in, like the weekends, why the hell does he wake me up so damn early??!! Because you know the kids have this inner clock and they know to wake up early on the weekends. So why can't I atleast sleep in until they wake up??!! Here is the flip side. I get the kids to bed by 8 o'clock. I'm sleepy by 8:30 or so and ready to crash. Will he let me? Nope. Now he wants to chat and hang out (even though we've had some part of the day for this, and of course try for sex. Every night?!!! Once I pass that sleepy time frame, I'm up and awake. Most nights I don't get to sleep until 11:30! Then I'm woken up by a call from him at 5:30! Today he was home at 6am waking me up. I had hoped to sleep till 7:30! Here is the kicker, if I tell him this he feels rejected and hurt that I don't want to spend time with him. No win situation.
The next issue is his ever increasing jealousy. Now that I am home it seems to be getting worse! I am forbidden to speak about his business partner because that somehow means I want to have sex with him. (as if!!). Any thoughts or changes in my ideas automatically mean I want a divorce. In his mind, if I change my mind about anything, it could mean I'll change my mind about him. So 18 years together mean nothing. No matter what defense I use, he us already convinced of his own ideas. Seriously, I am going nuts!!!
If we could afford Counceling, I would drive him to his appts!! Hmm that gives me an idea. He did find free counseling for his business partner.... He could use that option too. Ahh I am so gladI talked this out here. Now I know the next step to take. Maybe if ge resolved some if his issues, I wouldn't feel the need to seek friendship fulfillment elsewhere. Then when The occasion arose for a friend it would be a great treat and not a needed fulfillment!

Okay good feeling back!

Oh the holidays....

I am seriously not looking forward to the holidays. I think I lost the joy of it all when I realized how much damn work it is. Being the kid is GREAT for holidays, being the parent SUCKS for the holidays. So currently my mom wants to know where we will be for thanksgiving. I would prefer to avoid the stress of family and just do my own dinner at home. How do I tell my mom this? Besides what will my mother in law do? She will be alone if she does not join us. I could handle her being with us, but she makes my husband nuts! I hate the stress of having to hang out with family for the holidays. If it was just my parents then great. The problem is I still don't like my brother and now that he's married, her family will be there too. More people to give me anxiety. Plus we'll probably be forced to play some board games. So lame.

I really want to try to make the holidays enjoyable for my kids. Decorations, good food, good conversation and maybe something fun to do. The one thing I am excited about is learning so much about organic foods and finding the supplies at the co-op, I can actually do some baking that is yummy and somewhat healthy!! I'm eager to try that.

Today I am okay.

I have finally reached that point where I don't invest my hopes into job interviews.  I go because I am required to for collecting unemployment.  Now I don't have those ups and downs with hoping for a job after the interview only to be rejected.  I really do just want to stay at home and take care of things.  Believe me, I am busy enough that way.  Money and health insurance would be great, but we are okay for now.
My husband resolved his issues with his business partner and work is picking up, so that's good.
My focus has been working toward understanding and trying healthy eating.  I'm still working on my stack of library books, but I feel like its going well.  Learning all of this stuff makes me mad at my weight loss dr.  I understand her need to make things simple to get people started in the right path, but what about after that?  Why has she not talked about organic eating, calories not being equal, superfoods, additional necessary supplements, etc?  I plan to ask her at the next appt.  I'm sure she'll have some generic response.  Who knows?
So in my discovery towards healthy living, I am trying organic options as I can.  Not sure if I see a difference, but maybe that's the hidden truth of it.  Yeah eventually you feel better, but generally it is knowing that you are not adding toxins to your body and you are nourishing it to the best of your ability.  Healthiness is the long term goal.  What I can gather so far is to eat high protein, high fiber and high superfoods along with supplements for good health.  Now I have to consolidate that info, assimilate that into reality and foods my family and I will actually eat and figure out the whole calorie/sugar count to go along with it.  I have a book on order at the library that I am eager to read.  It is called "Deceptively Delicious".  I guess its supposed to be about how to cook vegetables into everyday items, thereby disguising them so you can eat them.  That is good news for me because I HATE vegetables.  I try, but they make me gag. 
Lately the only thing not so good is my energy level.  If I don't have a focus for the day, I want to sleep it away.  Then, of course, go to bed at night too.  I've been focused on working out, but now with shin splints I am on mandatory rest.  There goes most of what I do to workout!  I can still focus on yoga and ab work, but I haven't been to the gym since friday and I am so bummed.  Even if my focus of the day isn't working out, unless I have to go somewhere, I have no motivation or energy.  I am hoping it is just pms.  I am a week away and although I don't have many pms symptoms, eating more and sleeping more seem to be my issue.  Maybe I need to take my vitamins more regularly.  When I did that, I noticed hardly any pms symptoms. 
Right now I am finishing lunch and should work on cleaning my bedroom and doing laundry, but I just want to close my eyes.  I have no kids, no husband at home, great opportunity.  Or I should do some yoga and ab work....  maybe later.
One last good note.  It is the day after halloween, we have a huge bowl of candy and I haven't touched it, nor do I care to.  Hooray me!

Thanks for listening.

So much drama....

I haven't been able to blog recently because I only blog when my husband is asleep or out. He is currently asleep so here I am.
There are 3 major things going on that are just drama. Drama makes me stressed out! I like a nice boring life.
1st: my husband's business partner has taken so much business money and lied about various things. He's a young guy with lots of issues but a good heart. However, good heart is not enough. My poor husband has been dealing with all of that and I get to be the sounding board.
2nd: I created an anonymous email and sent my former employer an email listing many things that were wrong. I felt I was careful with this but unfortunately a friend on the inside (with knowledge of my action) is being harassed for this email. I feel bad for her and promptly deleted the anonymous account and all emails and texts associated with her. I'm hoping this will go away for her and the real problems will at least be considered.
3rd: one of my Zumba instructors is having a hard time getting and keeping classes. She is wonderful and I adore her, but it seems she doesn't fight hard enough for her own sake. Now she is asking me to sub one of her classes! Yikes!

So this brings me to the heart of my problem. Being social. I think I'm a nice person, easy to get along with, funny, etc. What I am not is charismatic, outgoing, drama queen, chatty, or a follower. Unfortunately most situations are set up for the outgoing leader and the followers. Since I am neither, I am very often left out. Mostly I'm ok with that. I refuse to be a follower and I have no desire to be very outgoing. I think in a lot of ways I have grown up in this area and handle myself just fine with most people. I feel generally co fident to speak my mind. I am ok with chatting to the people around me, but.... Here it is: I have opened myself up to enough of the wrong people that I don't trust people beyond a point. I am so damn sensitive to what others think of me even though I tell myself I don't care. I am trying so hard to push myself on when I feel I'm being rejected or ignored. My test subjects have been my various fitness instructors. I have to say, so far so good, but there isn't really much invested there either. I've managed to get their attention, but that's it. It has been very one sided for most. I've also been testing my skills on my fellow gym members. That too is going well, but it is just a surface friendliness. Ok so mostly I am ok with this also. There still is a small part of me that wishes for a deeper friendship with someone. (I am one of the lucky ones that has a great friendship with my spouse and with my mom, but that doesn't feel like enough.). I still feel like I'm missing out. I still feel lonely at times. I just don't know how to move beyond and find someone to trust. If you get bitten enough you develop a genuine fear and for me that has been my general life experience. On the bright side I do have one person who I am working towards this goal with. She is strong and positive and cheery and beautiful. However I still have my worries! She has so many other friends, how can I compare? How can I expect any amount of time and attention from her? Plus I feel like so much is lost thru the Internet. I also feel our friendship is a bit one sided. How do I change that?!
I guess good friendships aren't built in a day.

I have also gotten in the bad habit of staying up late then taking a nap at 2pm everyday. I need to change that. I also wish I had more interest in the daily things of life. Well, I'm great a to do lists! I could start one in the morning and at night write a done list. I think that will be my goal this week. I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

Toodles!

Oh my sore muscles!

I have done so good this week, keeping a food journal and getting to the gym!  I haven't been great at the water challenge and I haven't actually calculated my calories and such from my food journal but that's okay.  My husband had to go to a job today, so I decided to go to the gym without attending a class!  That is a first for me!  So, I don't know if I made things better or worse.  I did a few sections of a tough workout.  My thighs have been killing me and now that they are slightly better, I went and worked them out again.  How well will I function in Zumba tonight?  Well, I will be sweaty but that's a given. 
My next few days are going to be so busy, hooray! 
Yesterday I posted on facebook that I was bored out of my mind and my brother in law decides to post to that comment.  He never talks to us, he and my husband did not have a good relationship growing up and he posts "oh is my little brother slacking again?"  If I could have reached through the internet to slap him, I would have!  I told him no, he was busy working.  Guess what?  My brother in law's comment is now missing...  hmm..  maybe I got to his conscience.  Good!
So today is actually a good day despite my bad attitude.  Sometimes PMS is a killer, that's all I can say.  :)

To work or not to work?

So the last month has been a serious emotional rollercoaster.  Searching for jobs, going on interviews (dressed to impress of course) and generally getting my hopes up.  Then there was yesterday's interview....  I fell for a job interview that was actually for selling insurance.  So, I wasted 2 hours of my time discussing this job, supposedly being selected for the next round and being generally cohersed to accept this "dynamic" job.  The worst part?  They almost had me convinced!  I am not that person.  I do not go to people's houses and sell them insurance!  I do not like walking into new places and meeting new people!  Who are we kidding?  I don't trust people, nor do I like people. 
I have officially decided to forget that and to remain loyal to staying at home and collecting unemployment.  You can fool me a few times, but then I will refuse to participate and get caught again.  I'm not as dumb as I may look!
So now my focus is my husband and kids and getting healthy and fit.  Now I have to figure out how to not be bored when my husband has jobs to go do.

Oh and as an added bonus, an hour after writing this I received a call back from that insurance job.  They really liked me and wanted me to come back for a final interview!!  I had to explain to him that I was not comfortable with the position and going to people's houses.  Of course he wished me good luck on my future job search.  Having to turn down a final interview absolutely killed the go-getter in me!!  Arrgh!  That bothered me all night.  However, as much as it flattered my ego, I cannot pay $400 at the time of hire and then another $600 for a total of $1000 to get licsenced to sell insurance!!  I shouldn't have to pay to get a job.  That's ridiculous! 
I think I almost could have taken on the job, aside from the money thing, it was the location change that made me the most uncomfortable.  I can meet new people, I can discuss insurance and blah, blah, blah; but I have to do that out of an office.  I can even travel to different offices.  I guess the office setting is my security.  Besides, how unsafe would it be for me to go alone to someone's house?  This would be evening and weekend appointments.  Not cool.  I know I made the right decision, but it still kills me to back down from a challenge.  I would have been so good at that job....
Gotta keep going on, pick my head up and not stress over this.

I would like to crawl in bed and forget about everything

Here it is 11:30 and no call from either prospective employer.  I'm taking that as a bad sign.  So, hooray I am still a stay at home mom and I am broke.
On another note.  I am still sick and not sleeping well.  Now I'm loading up on Mucinex and Wellness Formula.  Both are gigantic pills that taste nasty. 
My house is a mess and I have no desire to clean it.  My dogs are driving me bananas.  And, I am hungry and just want food to magically appear in my stomach.  I'm sure there is nothing on tv to watch.  Plus I need a shower badly.  Oh and my husband is at work.  This means he will be just as tired as me when he does get home.  Hopefully he will actually get some money from this job.  That would be one bright spot in my day atleast.
I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Guess I'll try to find some ways to cheer myself up and make that bad feeling go away.

The up's and down's of job searching

I used to work at a job I really enjoyed.  I thought I would be there forever.  Then I started noticing a conflict between my management style and my supervisor's.  I couldn't just quit because we needed the money, so I stuck it out.  The result?  I was fired.  So now I am unemployed.  I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, so now is my perfect opportunity.  I can make my job contacts, collect my unemployment pay and be home. 
Just when I was finally settling into this arrangement and mostly past the stages of grieving for my lost job, I get a call back for a position that I actually really wanted.  So then my emotions and spirits were high as I was interviewed again and again.  Then the sad news.  They decided to promote from within.  WTF??  Why keep moving me through the process if that was the ultimate result?  I have several ideas but none decrease my anger and frustration.  Once they finally called back to let me down, they offered me another job opportunity.  I try to maintain my dignity and class and accept the consideration for another, lesser position.  Then a week goes by with no phone call.  I figure I'm glad to be done with them.  So the beginning of this week I was feeling just blah!  Not happy, not sad, just did not know what to do with myself.  I had just become okay with not working, then had my hopes raised and dashed to pieces.  I hate people.  Next day, I get a call back about that other position for the same company.  I need my job contacts for unemployment, so I agree to come in.  Again.  I go to the interview and I want to hate the interviewer who was hired for MY job.  However, she is super sweet and likeable and I can't hate her.  So now I am waiting to hear back by friday. 
Wednesday I get a call back for an interview for newborn photographer.  I was so excited!  This is part time, and something different.  Today I went to this interview and discovered it was a group interview!  Gee, great.  So now I have to wait until tomorrow to hear about this position. 
So now I am filled with what if's.  Which job do I want more?  Do I want more money or less stress?  What if I don't get either position?  How bummed am I going to be?  I hate that I have to keep facing this emotional rollercoaster because I am collecting unemployment.  I need the money, so I have to do it. 
I have had a lot more time with my family and husband, but how do I help him understand my up's and down's?  He already is taking it personal.  Plus being at home, I never get to sleep in, I always have dishes to do and laundry to wash.  Not to mention a 4-year old to entertain. 
Some days I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep off and on, watch tv, eat bad food and ignore everyone.  Not an option. 
I wished I was more of a positive person.  I feel like I am so negative sometimes.  Does life ever get easier?  Do you ever get to an age where you have things figured out?  Is there ever enough sleep? 

I need a place to work things out in my head.

I feel so blah right now.  Last week I had everything setup in my mind, life was going great.  This week not so much.  I feel like a need a place to work things out.  Who better than the internet?  Out into nowhere-land where I may or may not get feedback?  Works for me.  I always was a loner, why change that?

So I feel better now that this is set up and I will write more later.