What the hell? Why is friendship so hard for me? Why do I keep connecting with military wives? I currently have three in my life that I consider friends, two near and one far. I think I probably chat with the one far away more than the two here!! I do get it. Military life is hard. I'm sure there is lots more that I have no clue about. I understand, when the husband is home, all time goes to him. I agree, that's how it should be. I also understand that when he is away there is more responsibility on the wife. Having said all that, the two here don't have kid responsibilities in the same way. One friend has 3 dogs. The other has one teenage daughter. Me? I'm basically free all the time. Wouldn't I be the great kind of friend to have? Especially considering I'm not interested in taking a lot of time to chat or get together. I have my own busy family to take care of. And yet, as hard as I try, I am still lonely. Not to mention when my husband is gone at work, I never know when he will be home. Once he is home, he is passed out exhausted. I think the thing that really gets me is that I used to be a loner. Sure it was lonely at times, but I didn't have any expectations about friends because there were none. I was okay with that. Atleast I knew what to expect. Now that I am trying to be less of a loner, I feel even more alone and kind if hurt and rejected. Stupid me I guess.
Then there is my husband. I love him dearly and desperately miss him when he is away. Here are my complaints. When I have mornings to sleep in, like the weekends, why the hell does he wake me up so damn early??!! Because you know the kids have this inner clock and they know to wake up early on the weekends. So why can't I atleast sleep in until they wake up??!! Here is the flip side. I get the kids to bed by 8 o'clock. I'm sleepy by 8:30 or so and ready to crash. Will he let me? Nope. Now he wants to chat and hang out (even though we've had some part of the day for this, and of course try for sex. Every night?!!! Once I pass that sleepy time frame, I'm up and awake. Most nights I don't get to sleep until 11:30! Then I'm woken up by a call from him at 5:30! Today he was home at 6am waking me up. I had hoped to sleep till 7:30! Here is the kicker, if I tell him this he feels rejected and hurt that I don't want to spend time with him. No win situation.
The next issue is his ever increasing jealousy. Now that I am home it seems to be getting worse! I am forbidden to speak about his business partner because that somehow means I want to have sex with him. (as if!!). Any thoughts or changes in my ideas automatically mean I want a divorce. In his mind, if I change my mind about anything, it could mean I'll change my mind about him. So 18 years together mean nothing. No matter what defense I use, he us already convinced of his own ideas. Seriously, I am going nuts!!!
If we could afford Counceling, I would drive him to his appts!! Hmm that gives me an idea. He did find free counseling for his business partner.... He could use that option too. Ahh I am so gladI talked this out here. Now I know the next step to take. Maybe if ge resolved some if his issues, I wouldn't feel the need to seek friendship fulfillment elsewhere. Then when The occasion arose for a friend it would be a great treat and not a needed fulfillment!
Okay good feeling back!
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