So much drama....

I haven't been able to blog recently because I only blog when my husband is asleep or out. He is currently asleep so here I am.
There are 3 major things going on that are just drama. Drama makes me stressed out! I like a nice boring life.
1st: my husband's business partner has taken so much business money and lied about various things. He's a young guy with lots of issues but a good heart. However, good heart is not enough. My poor husband has been dealing with all of that and I get to be the sounding board.
2nd: I created an anonymous email and sent my former employer an email listing many things that were wrong. I felt I was careful with this but unfortunately a friend on the inside (with knowledge of my action) is being harassed for this email. I feel bad for her and promptly deleted the anonymous account and all emails and texts associated with her. I'm hoping this will go away for her and the real problems will at least be considered.
3rd: one of my Zumba instructors is having a hard time getting and keeping classes. She is wonderful and I adore her, but it seems she doesn't fight hard enough for her own sake. Now she is asking me to sub one of her classes! Yikes!

So this brings me to the heart of my problem. Being social. I think I'm a nice person, easy to get along with, funny, etc. What I am not is charismatic, outgoing, drama queen, chatty, or a follower. Unfortunately most situations are set up for the outgoing leader and the followers. Since I am neither, I am very often left out. Mostly I'm ok with that. I refuse to be a follower and I have no desire to be very outgoing. I think in a lot of ways I have grown up in this area and handle myself just fine with most people. I feel generally co fident to speak my mind. I am ok with chatting to the people around me, but.... Here it is: I have opened myself up to enough of the wrong people that I don't trust people beyond a point. I am so damn sensitive to what others think of me even though I tell myself I don't care. I am trying so hard to push myself on when I feel I'm being rejected or ignored. My test subjects have been my various fitness instructors. I have to say, so far so good, but there isn't really much invested there either. I've managed to get their attention, but that's it. It has been very one sided for most. I've also been testing my skills on my fellow gym members. That too is going well, but it is just a surface friendliness. Ok so mostly I am ok with this also. There still is a small part of me that wishes for a deeper friendship with someone. (I am one of the lucky ones that has a great friendship with my spouse and with my mom, but that doesn't feel like enough.). I still feel like I'm missing out. I still feel lonely at times. I just don't know how to move beyond and find someone to trust. If you get bitten enough you develop a genuine fear and for me that has been my general life experience. On the bright side I do have one person who I am working towards this goal with. She is strong and positive and cheery and beautiful. However I still have my worries! She has so many other friends, how can I compare? How can I expect any amount of time and attention from her? Plus I feel like so much is lost thru the Internet. I also feel our friendship is a bit one sided. How do I change that?!
I guess good friendships aren't built in a day.

I have also gotten in the bad habit of staying up late then taking a nap at 2pm everyday. I need to change that. I also wish I had more interest in the daily things of life. Well, I'm great a to do lists! I could start one in the morning and at night write a done list. I think that will be my goal this week. I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

Toodles!

Oh my sore muscles!

I have done so good this week, keeping a food journal and getting to the gym!  I haven't been great at the water challenge and I haven't actually calculated my calories and such from my food journal but that's okay.  My husband had to go to a job today, so I decided to go to the gym without attending a class!  That is a first for me!  So, I don't know if I made things better or worse.  I did a few sections of a tough workout.  My thighs have been killing me and now that they are slightly better, I went and worked them out again.  How well will I function in Zumba tonight?  Well, I will be sweaty but that's a given. 
My next few days are going to be so busy, hooray! 
Yesterday I posted on facebook that I was bored out of my mind and my brother in law decides to post to that comment.  He never talks to us, he and my husband did not have a good relationship growing up and he posts "oh is my little brother slacking again?"  If I could have reached through the internet to slap him, I would have!  I told him no, he was busy working.  Guess what?  My brother in law's comment is now missing...  hmm..  maybe I got to his conscience.  Good!
So today is actually a good day despite my bad attitude.  Sometimes PMS is a killer, that's all I can say.  :)

To work or not to work?

So the last month has been a serious emotional rollercoaster.  Searching for jobs, going on interviews (dressed to impress of course) and generally getting my hopes up.  Then there was yesterday's interview....  I fell for a job interview that was actually for selling insurance.  So, I wasted 2 hours of my time discussing this job, supposedly being selected for the next round and being generally cohersed to accept this "dynamic" job.  The worst part?  They almost had me convinced!  I am not that person.  I do not go to people's houses and sell them insurance!  I do not like walking into new places and meeting new people!  Who are we kidding?  I don't trust people, nor do I like people. 
I have officially decided to forget that and to remain loyal to staying at home and collecting unemployment.  You can fool me a few times, but then I will refuse to participate and get caught again.  I'm not as dumb as I may look!
So now my focus is my husband and kids and getting healthy and fit.  Now I have to figure out how to not be bored when my husband has jobs to go do.

Oh and as an added bonus, an hour after writing this I received a call back from that insurance job.  They really liked me and wanted me to come back for a final interview!!  I had to explain to him that I was not comfortable with the position and going to people's houses.  Of course he wished me good luck on my future job search.  Having to turn down a final interview absolutely killed the go-getter in me!!  Arrgh!  That bothered me all night.  However, as much as it flattered my ego, I cannot pay $400 at the time of hire and then another $600 for a total of $1000 to get licsenced to sell insurance!!  I shouldn't have to pay to get a job.  That's ridiculous! 
I think I almost could have taken on the job, aside from the money thing, it was the location change that made me the most uncomfortable.  I can meet new people, I can discuss insurance and blah, blah, blah; but I have to do that out of an office.  I can even travel to different offices.  I guess the office setting is my security.  Besides, how unsafe would it be for me to go alone to someone's house?  This would be evening and weekend appointments.  Not cool.  I know I made the right decision, but it still kills me to back down from a challenge.  I would have been so good at that job....
Gotta keep going on, pick my head up and not stress over this.

I would like to crawl in bed and forget about everything

Here it is 11:30 and no call from either prospective employer.  I'm taking that as a bad sign.  So, hooray I am still a stay at home mom and I am broke.
On another note.  I am still sick and not sleeping well.  Now I'm loading up on Mucinex and Wellness Formula.  Both are gigantic pills that taste nasty. 
My house is a mess and I have no desire to clean it.  My dogs are driving me bananas.  And, I am hungry and just want food to magically appear in my stomach.  I'm sure there is nothing on tv to watch.  Plus I need a shower badly.  Oh and my husband is at work.  This means he will be just as tired as me when he does get home.  Hopefully he will actually get some money from this job.  That would be one bright spot in my day atleast.
I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Guess I'll try to find some ways to cheer myself up and make that bad feeling go away.

The up's and down's of job searching

I used to work at a job I really enjoyed.  I thought I would be there forever.  Then I started noticing a conflict between my management style and my supervisor's.  I couldn't just quit because we needed the money, so I stuck it out.  The result?  I was fired.  So now I am unemployed.  I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, so now is my perfect opportunity.  I can make my job contacts, collect my unemployment pay and be home. 
Just when I was finally settling into this arrangement and mostly past the stages of grieving for my lost job, I get a call back for a position that I actually really wanted.  So then my emotions and spirits were high as I was interviewed again and again.  Then the sad news.  They decided to promote from within.  WTF??  Why keep moving me through the process if that was the ultimate result?  I have several ideas but none decrease my anger and frustration.  Once they finally called back to let me down, they offered me another job opportunity.  I try to maintain my dignity and class and accept the consideration for another, lesser position.  Then a week goes by with no phone call.  I figure I'm glad to be done with them.  So the beginning of this week I was feeling just blah!  Not happy, not sad, just did not know what to do with myself.  I had just become okay with not working, then had my hopes raised and dashed to pieces.  I hate people.  Next day, I get a call back about that other position for the same company.  I need my job contacts for unemployment, so I agree to come in.  Again.  I go to the interview and I want to hate the interviewer who was hired for MY job.  However, she is super sweet and likeable and I can't hate her.  So now I am waiting to hear back by friday. 
Wednesday I get a call back for an interview for newborn photographer.  I was so excited!  This is part time, and something different.  Today I went to this interview and discovered it was a group interview!  Gee, great.  So now I have to wait until tomorrow to hear about this position. 
So now I am filled with what if's.  Which job do I want more?  Do I want more money or less stress?  What if I don't get either position?  How bummed am I going to be?  I hate that I have to keep facing this emotional rollercoaster because I am collecting unemployment.  I need the money, so I have to do it. 
I have had a lot more time with my family and husband, but how do I help him understand my up's and down's?  He already is taking it personal.  Plus being at home, I never get to sleep in, I always have dishes to do and laundry to wash.  Not to mention a 4-year old to entertain. 
Some days I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep off and on, watch tv, eat bad food and ignore everyone.  Not an option. 
I wished I was more of a positive person.  I feel like I am so negative sometimes.  Does life ever get easier?  Do you ever get to an age where you have things figured out?  Is there ever enough sleep? 

I need a place to work things out in my head.

I feel so blah right now.  Last week I had everything setup in my mind, life was going great.  This week not so much.  I feel like a need a place to work things out.  Who better than the internet?  Out into nowhere-land where I may or may not get feedback?  Works for me.  I always was a loner, why change that?

So I feel better now that this is set up and I will write more later.