So much drama....

I haven't been able to blog recently because I only blog when my husband is asleep or out. He is currently asleep so here I am.
There are 3 major things going on that are just drama. Drama makes me stressed out! I like a nice boring life.
1st: my husband's business partner has taken so much business money and lied about various things. He's a young guy with lots of issues but a good heart. However, good heart is not enough. My poor husband has been dealing with all of that and I get to be the sounding board.
2nd: I created an anonymous email and sent my former employer an email listing many things that were wrong. I felt I was careful with this but unfortunately a friend on the inside (with knowledge of my action) is being harassed for this email. I feel bad for her and promptly deleted the anonymous account and all emails and texts associated with her. I'm hoping this will go away for her and the real problems will at least be considered.
3rd: one of my Zumba instructors is having a hard time getting and keeping classes. She is wonderful and I adore her, but it seems she doesn't fight hard enough for her own sake. Now she is asking me to sub one of her classes! Yikes!

So this brings me to the heart of my problem. Being social. I think I'm a nice person, easy to get along with, funny, etc. What I am not is charismatic, outgoing, drama queen, chatty, or a follower. Unfortunately most situations are set up for the outgoing leader and the followers. Since I am neither, I am very often left out. Mostly I'm ok with that. I refuse to be a follower and I have no desire to be very outgoing. I think in a lot of ways I have grown up in this area and handle myself just fine with most people. I feel generally co fident to speak my mind. I am ok with chatting to the people around me, but.... Here it is: I have opened myself up to enough of the wrong people that I don't trust people beyond a point. I am so damn sensitive to what others think of me even though I tell myself I don't care. I am trying so hard to push myself on when I feel I'm being rejected or ignored. My test subjects have been my various fitness instructors. I have to say, so far so good, but there isn't really much invested there either. I've managed to get their attention, but that's it. It has been very one sided for most. I've also been testing my skills on my fellow gym members. That too is going well, but it is just a surface friendliness. Ok so mostly I am ok with this also. There still is a small part of me that wishes for a deeper friendship with someone. (I am one of the lucky ones that has a great friendship with my spouse and with my mom, but that doesn't feel like enough.). I still feel like I'm missing out. I still feel lonely at times. I just don't know how to move beyond and find someone to trust. If you get bitten enough you develop a genuine fear and for me that has been my general life experience. On the bright side I do have one person who I am working towards this goal with. She is strong and positive and cheery and beautiful. However I still have my worries! She has so many other friends, how can I compare? How can I expect any amount of time and attention from her? Plus I feel like so much is lost thru the Internet. I also feel our friendship is a bit one sided. How do I change that?!
I guess good friendships aren't built in a day.

I have also gotten in the bad habit of staying up late then taking a nap at 2pm everyday. I need to change that. I also wish I had more interest in the daily things of life. Well, I'm great a to do lists! I could start one in the morning and at night write a done list. I think that will be my goal this week. I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

Toodles!